Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Hate The Walking Dead

Oh, The Walking Dead. You are very, very popular. On some levels I'm pleased for your popularity. More people watching horror things means more horror things! I think we can all agree that fact is very encouraging indeed. Why not revive the Nightmare on Elm Street television series while we're at it? I'm sure Robert Englund could use some work.

The problem is I feel cheated. Like, Dolly-Parton-could-write-a-song-about-it cheated. Watching the series premiere on Halloween left me feeling satisfied yet also terrified to go into my basement. But then, like a deteriorating corpse, the series began a steady nosedive towards Crapville, population The Walking Dead. I so, so wanted to like it and have another series to obsess over, but no. I was on my own in this case. There are a lot of people who love this show. I know. I've sought them out for fear that I was wrong or missing something. The moment it hit me was the scene with Amy and Andrea in the boat, pontificating about their father while repeating and reexplaining a lazy metaphor with lazy writing. I kept hoping Jason would rise from the depths of the lake and pull the sisters in the water for their over-emoting and then later kill them with an ice pick.

The show's sheer silliness was overwhelming. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the season finale happened. Winding up at the CDC where the dude from The Truman Show was left in charge was more than disappointing. The point, as far as I can tell, was to do some sloppy character development since they weren't being chased by zombies for 24 hours and get a lame explanation that zombies operate on basic instinct but no one knows where the disease started, but some people in France were on to something. Then instead of mercy killing everyone, which got my vote, Depressed Scientist Man whispers something in the Hero's ear. Then they let the black lady die, but noooooooooooo not Andrea. She's so chipper and happy and such a team player she deserves a faux guilt sacrafice by Dale to get her to leave.

This episode convinced me they're all hurt-bags full of retarded emotions in a sea of nothingness. Let's not forget - plot does not equal story. What has really happened in the last six episodes? Sure they've moved around a lot but did it mean anything? No. They're still terrible people with no idea what they're doing.

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