Saturday, January 29, 2011

Unrest and Blessed

Don't you ever wish Rosemary's Baby had gotten some kind of lazy contemporary update? And don't you want that remake to star Julia Stiles? Well, you're in luck friends! (except for the Julia Stiles part, she was probably busy renegotiating her contract for the Prince & I 2: Back to Peasantdom.)

Instead we've got Heather Graham! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.... cough... cough...

And this photo is from when she had a career.
 The plot is pretty much parallel to Rosemary's Baby. Except for the super-awesome contemporary twist. Samantha (H-Gra) and Craig (Evil Guy From Resident Evil aka EGFRE - pronounced "egg-free") are trying to get pregnant and decide to try IVF Treatments. But little do they know that the IVF treatment place they go to is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil. And how do you know that? Because the doctors are completely shot from above making them look eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil ... and that they have weak chins.

So I've made it about 39 mins through the movie and not much has happened, but I'll fill you in. Samantha is a teacher at a Catholic school called St. Rosemary's (geddit?), and she's the worse teacher ever. She spends the whole time staring at kids mournfully. I didn't know pre-pregnant postpartum depression was possible. Egg-Free's main characterization is that he's British. He's shooting for the Hugh Grant likability factor by saying saucy comments to H-Gra the whole time. To wit:

Egg-Free: You saucy minx.
H-Gra: Ha-heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ha (gasping for air)

Because these two have zero chemistry director Simon Fellows tries to fix this by having them laugh innaporpriately had at every single thing the other one does. And yes, H-Gra's laugh is "ha-heeeeeeeeeeeee-ha. Like a donkey.

Anyway, Egg-Free is a wannabe writer so the evil IVF people help him get a book deal for some reason. Which is kind of like Guy selling Rosemary out for fame as an actor. He goes to meet the head of some really powerful publishing house - keep in mind this movie was made in 2004 - and the publishing guy is so weird because he had relics from saints. ISN'T THAT CREEPY?!!??! AREN'T YOU TOTALLY FREAKED OUT BY IT?!?!?!!?

It's okay. I wasn't either. Anyhoozle, H-Gra gets preggers and instead of staying in the country near the IVF place they return to NYC but their apartment has been vandalized!!!!! By whom? Punks? Renegade Satan worshipers?

Also, Andy Serkis is in this. I adore Andy Serkis. I can only hope he plays some kind of embodiment of the devil a la Tim Curry in Legend.

That's right kids, you've got another live blog coming your way. It's the only way I'll be able to finish the damn movie.

Stay tuned!!!

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