Thursday, March 3, 2011

Friends - Where Are They Now.... In Horror!


I used to loooooooooooove Friends. When you're ten it's a pretty great show for you and your friends to watch because you can so play the "you're such a Phoebe" game. Which is waaaaay cooler than the "you're such a Miranda" game.

I caught a couple episodes of Friends recently and it just doesn't work for me anymore. It's nice in an isn't it nostalgic kind of way because I know all the lines. (yes, I was the nerd that used to record new episodes, on VHS no less)

So let's play the where are they now game. Admittedly, I'm going to cheat with this one and use pre-Friends credits for this. I hear your cries of "but that's not how you do the Where Are They Now game, Alex!!!!! And to you I say : deal. These hurt-bags made so much money off of Friends they never have to work again. And except for a few embarrassing attempts at movie-stardom, they haven't.

Let's start with the bottom where we have:

Chandler!

That's right. He's at the bottom because he was in a TV movie called Deadly Relations in 1993 where he had some screen time with Gwyneth Paltrow.

And this is the only thing about the movie I could find image-wise
Which is the smallest picture of anything I have ever found. But, it's in the name of research so get out you magnifying glass.

Here is the summary I found of it on IMDB: Leonard Fagot has four daughters and loves them so much, that he usurps his control over them. He lets them know how he feels about the men they date. And if he disapproves of them, he probably will have them killed to get them out of his daughters' life.

So it's a thriller and the main family has an interesting last name. As a writer I wouldn't have picked it out myself. But maybe that's why none of my made-for-tv movies have been produced. I assume Chandler's trying to date one of the daughters and he probably meets an untimely end. His character's name is: George Westerfield. Something about that name just screams gardening shears to me....

Next up is ....

Joey!

Sweet, sweet Joey. I bet you didn't know he was in a little movie called The Killing Box aka Grey Knight aka zombie confederate voodoo. That's right. AND Corbin Bernsen AND Martin Sheen AND Billy Bob Thorton AND AJ Langer are all in it.

It's actually kind of a beautiful story because while the Americans were fighting each other, zombies teach us that we can all be eaten, therefore - we're all interconnected. aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Now Ross is above these guys because a deranged fan took the time to take screen grabs of his performance in 1994's Wolf where he seems to get all up in Nicholson's face.
BAM! Suck it most acclaimed actor of his generation! You just got Ross'd in a shitty movie that Jack would probably like to forget about.

Did you know Lisa Kudrow was in The Unborn? I bet you didn't.

Well, she was in the 1991 version. Which I figure is kind of the same thing. Let's talk about the Unborn for a second. What a godawful movie. Seriously. Not even Gary Oldman could make it better and he makes EVERYTHING better. It wasn't scary and it didn't make sense. I like that they tried to explain why they had to have a Jewish exorcism but that lead girl, Odette something was awful. Her mouth is open in every scene. For real. I'd tell you to watch it understand my pain... but then you'd have to watch it.

The only thing I like about Jennifer Aniston is that she's in Leprechaun.
  No that, my friends, is some pretty epic baby-fat.

And our winner is: GALE WEATHERS!
I mean Monica.
She was pretty badass in the first Scream... then the other Screams happened. And I hated them.

Scream 4 is soon, isn't it? I know I'll be seeing it. And I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving disappointed. Damn you, Hollywood Marketing!

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