Friday, May 20, 2011

Hang Each Night In Rapture

It's been a pleasure knowing all of you. With the impending Rapture approaching tomorrow I've said all my final goodbyes and Scare-Tactic is the last one. If you didn't get a personal goodbye from me it, it's because you've never been that important to me.

In the spirit of learning I thought we could take some time to look at how horror movies handle the Rapture/End of Days/Catholic mumbo-jumbo...

Robots/Hardware



Sure we think we're all fine and dandy living like the Jetsons but what happens when Rosie becomes self-aware and decides she wants more than one freaking wheel? Huh? HUH??!?!??!?!?!

ODDS OF SURVIVAL: Not good. Unless your mom has been talking about something like this for a while and been working out like someone who's scared her husband will leave, I'd say start doing drugs and hos now.

Zombie Apocolypse



In it's infinite wisdom the legit CDC has come out with a How-To-Survive-A-Zombie-Attack guide. Those nerds clearly think that Baby Jesus is coming to Earth and spent their last weeks making that guide.

ODDS OF SURVIVAL: Pretty good. If there's any attack horror fans are prepared to handle, it's a Zombie apocalypse. Ditch your friends and loved ones, they'll only hold you back, and get thee out of the city. If movies have taught me anything it's that there are hotter people waiting for you.

Alien Invasion



Alien Invasions are generally used for family bonding time (see: Signs and The Day The Earth Stood Still) so if aliens land, hook up with family members you've had past issues with. This will be the perfect time to work them out.

ODDS OF SURVIVAL: Unless it's E.T. you blow those fuckers brains out and you'll be fine. Tip: Assume their brains are in their groin area. 


Supernatural



I'm going to level with you. This kind of ending doesn't end well because there are no rules. Anything can happen and rules can be made up as terror goes.

ODDS OF SURVIVAL: Really not good. Your best bet is to hook up with some peeps and try to be the least crazy.

So best of luck to all of you. I know I've got my hand-basket ready.

2 comments:

  1. Hells yes, The Mist. Hells yes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know... I've never been able to resolve my feelings about the Mist... But I generally side on liking it.

    ReplyDelete