Monday, June 13, 2011

3 Evil Corporations and the Business They Do

Perhaps it's my tiny woman brain but I very rarely understand business. It's complex. I know there's a lot of Power Point presentations, iPad use and latte drinking but what do they really do? When global markets were crashing a few years ago CEOs were put on trial and it was revealed the disgusting amount of money they make. As I followed the stories it seemed these people were best suited to setting briefcases of money on fire.

So who's to blame for this? Some would argue the inherent faults in the capitalistic system (read: my communist university professors) but I think it has much more to do with movies. Seriously.

Movies make corporations seem sexy and full of sexy sex.... or just in the business creating zombies. Which can seem kind of cool. Who doesn't like deity-like power? And if you're at the head of these corporations, you're pretty safe. Like, in a literal safe-house safe.

I would like to take a look at some of the business practices of the most infamous businesses in movies.

The Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil)

I'd like to think that the key to good business is not murdering your entire client base, but I could be wrong. After four Resident Evil films, I've gleamed that Umbrella Corporation is a multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical business that would dig on getting into weapons.

Admittedly, it does help that when shit goes wrong you already possess the nuclear devices to blow up major city and attempt a cover up. But really, why reanimation? Especially when the reanimated eat you. At least cigarette companies are willing to invest 40 odd years in their buyers. And loyalty is rare these days.

But I would actually like to know how the dead rising or unleashing uncontrollable monsters would benefit profit margins. Granted there is talk of military uses for the zombies, but really. Zombies have to be the worst soldiers ever. Based on data I've gathered from Milla Jovovich looking hot and fighting in slow motion, the Umbrella Corporation has lost an average of one outpost per year, if not more. That just seems like bad business practice. Not Goldman-Sachs bad, but still.

Weyland-Yutani (Alien series) 
Honestly, what the fuck do these guys even do?

From what I gather they spend stupid amounts of money, wipe out their own employees in an effort to capture the universe's most violent, uncontrollable being that can only breed by wiping out MORE of your population.

Over the four films, it's suggested that Weyland-Yutani is a space-exploration business that's really a front for capturing, harvesting and controlling these aliens. Why, you ask? Well, it's not explained. But statistically they've operated at a 100% failure rate over 200 years. So there's that....

CyberDyne Systems (Terminator series)
Oh, CyberDyne.... They're a pretty impotent company UNTIL they invent SkyNet, which is this super awesome robot system that controls things like nuclear missiles.

I don't even feel comfortable knowing people control missiles, let alone nuclear ones. So yeah, robots. Good call. Just make sure their switches are turned to good instead of evil. Oh, the guy who's in charge of that went for a smoke break.... that's okay...I'm sure it'll be fine....No, no.... just go live....


  1. Super fun and I am Googling for a Weyland Yutani T-shirt now (Yes). Cool blog!

  2. Thanks! One of my favourite gifts I've ever received was a tin of Umbrella Corp breath mints. They really know how to expand their branding options.