Friday, July 15, 2011

Cottagin'

Perhaps it's my unrelenting viewing of horror movies since I was small or the fact that there could literally be a serial killer anywhere but I expect death around every corner. Because of that, I'm still alive. Yes, I've accidentally punched my roommate more than I should but she could have been Pinhead. A 5'2 version of Pinhead.

In any event, I like to think of Scare-Tactic as a how-to guide of survival skills culled from movies. I'm like Oprah without the mess of panicky 50-somethings. In this post I'd like to talk a little bit about cottages. We all need a weekend away with a group of friends to goof-off but if you'd like to come home again here are some handy guidelines from films.

In Which We Learn From.... Friday the 13th (1980)
Don't have sex. It will be tempting, but don't do it. Firstly, do you want to be the jerk keeping your friends up with a squeaky mattress? Secondly, you'll die. You will die. There is literally no way around it. You'll live longer if you have sex with someone you don't care about. But God help you if you're in a committed relationship. This is how is generally plays out.

BLANDLY ATTRACTIVE GUY: Wait, where's Sarah?
SOME OTHER GUY: I think he got her. We have to keep going. We have to make it to the car.
BLANDLY ATTRACTIVE GUY: No, I'm going back for her. We had this fight earlier and she has to know how I feel.

No. No, she doesn't need to know how you feel. Go to couples therapy when you get back to the city. Because, do you want to end up like this:
Happy and single in the city.
In a relationship and dead in the country.
In Which We Learn From... The Blair Witch Project (1999)
This is a note about technology. Don't depend on it. It will do you no good. Always assume the second you leave a metropolitan area your cell phone/pacemaker/laptop will burst into flames (if you're lucky, otherwise they become possessed) so don't even bother.

When you resort to filming yourself you invariably get some horrific up-the-nose shots. 


Technology has a funny way of acting as encouragement to evil spirits. It's like a Ouija Board x100. Ghosts, witches, demons turn into show offs and like turning even more evil. So your friend that wants to make a documentary about what a cool group of 20-somethings you are, punch them out and throw them in the car trunk until you're ready to leave.


In Which We Learn From... The Evil Dead (1981)


What don't we learn from The Evil Dead? Seriously. This is a horror movie and self-help book rolled into one.
- When you come to a bridge with a sign that says "Cross At Your Own Risk." Think twice and look into where the closest Best Western Hotel is.
-Don't touch shit that isn't yours. It could be someone's vibrator or a Necronomicon.
-If you want to get out of there, go! Leave the douche-y guy behind. He'll only be a zombie-demon later.
-When killing something requires complete dismemberment, go for it. This is not the time to pussy out.
-If you make it to dawn. Prepare for the sequel. It's totally coming.
-When in doubt, do as Ash would do.

Happy Summer everyone!!

2 comments:

  1. Yeah, isn't that funny how no one in a horror film ever has any bars on their cell phone? That's one thing I miss about 80s horror, you never had to deal with the cell phone issue. These days, the killer always has to dispatch the cell phone before the victims.

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  2. Tru dat my friend. I shudder to think what will happen 10 years from now when we have Wi-Fi implanted in our brains. At least we'd get more decapitations.

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