Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Destination Unknown: Part 1

 I'm lucky enough to write for FanGirlTastic and recently scored myself an invite for an advanced screening of Final Destination 5 for review purposes. Since I've only seen the first one I have to catch up on the rest of the series to properly review it and I thought we could all share the warm warming glow of one of the most popular contemporary horror series. 

8:37pm A minute into the movie and there have already been 3 skulls shown. A copy of the play is Death of a Salesman is visible. The word "evil" just flashes across the screen as the 3 writers were credited.

8:39pm Oh my crapping crap. Devon Sawa has a Goo Goo Dolls poster. And a Buckcherry poster. I suddenly wish it was 1996 again.

8:41pm And we're at the airport with a high school class getting ready to board the plane to France for a school trip. All the girls are wearing pale blue twin sets except for one who has bangs and is reading a book. But she's showing her midriff. Jack the gay guy from Dawson's Creek is in this.

8:44pm While at the airport the filmmakers use every chance to work in the word "terminal". And one of the characters has a walkman. This is clearly about the death of technology... No wait... it's not. A character just gave a monologue about taking a dump on the plane.

8:47pm Devon Sawa takes 5 minutes to board the plane while he looks at things with a distinct air of paranoia. It's like he has to keep reminding himself that he's not Devon Sawa in this scene.

8:49pm SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT IS IN THIS!!!!!!!  God, I miss the early aughts.

8:50pm Oh shit, yo. Things are kind of shakey on the plane..... Whoooooa. It's like they're on one those rides at Universal Studios and they are to make the most of because the line was, like, super long. But wait! It was all a dream. Go Sawa go!!! Convince them you're not crazy!!!!

8:52pm Uh oh. The fancy attendant doesn't believe him. But the more attractive members of the class that are already on TV shows do!

8:55pm And the plane bites it. Those guys totally owe Sawa a Coke.

8:57pm A guy just asked if any of them need spiritual counseling.

8:59pm Ok, so we've got Sawa, MidriffGirl, SWS, Nerd Friend, Dawson's Creek, Dawson's Creek's Girlfriend, and Teacher. Let the paranoia and disbelief commence!!!!!

9:02pm Sawa is really torn up about this. He probably needs to have a non-consummated relationship with a girl that likes short tops....

9:03pm Cut to 39 days later... I guess Death has a backlog....

9:04pm Midriff Girl is wearing her blackest inappropriate top for the memorial. She and Sawa share the blankest emotional stare EVAR.

9:08pm *If* I die please don't let my nerdiest friend give a speech. It's just depressing.

9:11pm Oh no you guys! I think the scary water leak is going to get Nerd.

9:12pm AND IT DOES!!!! He dies by strangulation from the shower curtain. And then the CGI water recedes from whence it came so that Nerd's death looks like a suicide. Don't worry. It doesn't really make sense in the movie.

9:16pm Midriff Girl has made a sculpture about how Sawa makes her feel. "Connection" and "incomprehensible" are used, as is the phrase "I can still feel you." I've always been told emotions were complicated.

9:19pm Hey! It's Tony Todd!!! From Candyman!! Being weird and ominous... so y'know... it's a stretch for him.

9:21pm And we're in the midst of a menacing and sloppy exposition scene where Candyman tells us about Death's design.... A completely coherent and necessary scene.

9:24pm According to Sawa the new plan is to cheat death again.

9:25pm Dawson's Creek has a weird testosterone issue with Sawa. And for no reason all the survivors are at a coffee shop. Which leads to Dawson's Creek's Girlfriend breaking up with him then getting hit by a bus. Another one bites the dust.

9:27pm Sawa gets all Miss Marple on Death's ass and figures out the order in which the survivors are going to die. BAM. Suck it death!

9:31pm This Teacher is the poster child for sad single women everywhere.

9:33pm Why won't she die!!!!!!!?????????

9:35pm Holy shit you guys. She's drinking scotch on the rocks and so am I! There truly are no coincidences. I will booby trap my apartment now. Someone please inform my roommate.

9:36pm Oh! Teacher bites it via her TV. I'm going back to my death of technology theory.

9:43pm We're truly in the weeds with this movie. Midriff Girl is having some kind of heart to heart with with Sawa and I imagine it's a beautiful scene about how they'll get through this together but I can't tell BECAUSE SHE FUCKING MUMBLES EVERYTHING!

9:50pm SWS dies unceremoniously while everyone fusses over Dawson's Creek. 

9:53pm Ok, I got bored. All the characters are just looking out of windows so Googled images of Devon Sawa and came up with this:
According to the website he's still single.
Here he is again, "acting".
9:58pm Sawa has figured out he got the order of their deaths wrong and it's Midriff Girl that's next and now he's running to her because she made that terrible sculpture about her feelings.

10:03pm Sawa tells Midriff girl that he'll always be with as he's about to sacrifice himself so she can get away. This after they've had approximately three conversation. Three mumbled, unintelligible conversations.

10:04pm But WAIT!!!! What's this? Friends! Sawa, Midriff and Dawson's Creek are alive! And going on their original trip to France. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. I kind of want to make a sculpture about how I feel about all this....

10:07pm Uh oh, Sawa's Spidey sense is tingling....

10:08pm I'm going to level with you guys. Some stuff happens. It's suggested another character dies. Then some impossibly lame pop song plays over the credits. This is why horror movies should be rated R.

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