Friday, October 28, 2011

Where Are They Now in HORROR... Breaker High

Well, this is Scare Tactic's 100th post which also coincides with my horror film article in the Toronto Star and I have to say, the love I get for this little blog has a lot to do with the Where Are They Now... series. And what better show to examine than Canada's own Breaker High.

Did you know the show ran for only a year? And did you know that in that year they filmed 44 freakin' episodes?? (My favourite episode names being To Kill A Mocking-Nerd and Silence of the Lamborghini) Now for anyone who doesn't know what Breaker High is, please read the following description:

Breaker High is a television show which airs weekdays at 4:00PM on UPN. The show is about a high school cruise ship which not only teaches academics, but also gives first hand cultural experiences from around the world. The ship consistsof 500 students, but the show focuses on a group of 8. All the students come from different backgrounds and situations but they all work together as one group. The cast has great chemistry and together they just... CLICK! The situations and character development just... WORK! This show is full of drama and tons of comedy that anyone can appreciate. Overall, Breaker High is a great way to start your homework routine or take a break from life!

Never has a high school drama been described with so many exclamation points!!!!!!!! Seriously though... it was a weird time. High school was on a boat. Kids loved it. I remember watching it but possibly only because I didn't want to watch Oprah with my Mom.

But who comes out as HORROR CHAMP SUPREME??????? Let's do this!

Rachel Wilson as Tamira Goldstein who appeared as "Mother" in Saw 3D
Now, this is a tricky one... One of the leads was in one of the biggest horror franchises of the last decade but had the lowest score. (Yes, I score these. There's actually a panel involved. Do you think I'd make this stuff up off of my whims and fancies?)

But really how can I possibly give a decent placing to someone playing "Mother" in Saw 3D? I can't. I simply can't. For those of you that remember Breaker High Tamira had an oddly spelled name and was dirt poor. So dirt poor she had to pay her way attending high school on a cruise ship by doing some kind of vague work study program.

The sad thing is, she probably didn't even get killed in Saw, she just a principal actor who got a close up when she screamed. Horror fail, Rachel Wilson. You also have the most boring name.

Terri Conn as Ashley Dupree who appeared as Sandra Wilson in iMurders
Terri should be a heck of a lot higher on this list because... well... let all look at this poster for a moment:
It's a bloody mouse! And the events take place on a "Myspace-esque website". But Miss Conn was credited under another name when she did this so clearly it doesn't matter as much to her as it does to me. Therefore, she's second to last.

I also want to mention how the character she plays is one letter away from being this lady...
So close yet so very, very far.

Kyle Alisharan as Alex Pineda who appeared as Baggage Handler in Snakes on A Plane
Oh man, things are rough when you don't even have a picture up on IMDB... but luckily for you, and one .05 Google search, I found this:
He's the clean-cut handsome jock who is pretty non-date-rape-y. You know him all through high school and then he fades out of your memory until you think you see him as a baggage handler at the airport then, oh no! There are snakes on your muthaf**king plane. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Wait, where was I?

Ryan Gosling as Sean Hanlon  who appeared as some D-Bag in Stay and Murder By Numbers
I'm going to admit,  the more people love this guy the more I think he's a tool bag. I mean, he's okay. I really liked Lars and the Real Girl but this guy:

as some kind of murderous mastermind. I think not.

And look at those bangs!! That's precisely what I try to get my hair NOT to do!

Which leaves us with....

Tyler Labine as Jimmy Farrell who appeared as Dale in  Tucker and Dale vs Evil

I can't tell a lie. Tyler wins because a) this film is Canadian b) I haven't seen it and c) Cerie from 30 Rock is in it. Wins all around!

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