Saturday, December 17, 2011

Trailer Review: Dario Argento's "Dracula 3D"

Oh my gentle Jesus. What motherfuckery have we here? The basic answer is horror impressario Dario Argento's first 3D foray with Dracula.

The actual answer is something that vaguely resembles the plot of Bram Stoker's Dracula but Argento has finally figured out what we all missing from the story, a praying mantis.

Now, I love me some Suspiria and a lot of his other movies of that era. I love the Mothers trilogy that began with Suspiria but on the recommendation of several respected people, I've avoided Mother of Tears (2007) like the plague. Some have suggested that Argento may have lost it in the last little while. And based on this trailer, I can't say they're wrong.

There are a couple things I want to touch on in the trailer. Firstly, Rutger Hauer (everyone's second favourite Replicant after Darryl Hannah) as Van Helsing who appears to be doing an accent on par with Kate Beckinsale's from (go figure) Van Helsing. What. The. Fuck. What is he doing? In one scene he seems to have a very Eastern European accent and the next an incredibly bland North American accent.I don't know if this is symbolism about colonization but it's crazy distracting. Like, Tyra Banks distracting.

Secondly, I feel like this trailer is made up of people walking into shot, then walking across a room. It makes the whole thing look like a stage play. A really, really boring stage play. For a man that gave us this:

walking around on a set doesn't really hack it, you dig?

All in all, this looks like a spectacular failure. One for the books. Based on this trailer it can only get more crazy or, at worst, boring. And honestly, neither of those things makes me want to see this.

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