Friday, June 22, 2012

I Know What You Should Watch This Summer

Are you in the middle of a heat wave? My city is hot and I'm at the point where I would like to cause myself physical pain rather than continue to feel hot. And what is art if not a vessel for feeling? That was rhetorical. Art helps you feel things. Duh. Here are five horror movies to help you beat the heat.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Is there anything better than running around all day (or night) pursued by an unstable murderer and start the next day with a jump in a lake? That was again a rhetorical question. There's nothing better than a dip in a nice cool lake. Even if you are being dragged down by an undead mongoloid child.

Near Dark (1987)

Kathryn Bigelow's directorial debut combines vampires and dry southern heat. Near Dark makes the heat an additional member of the vampire gang and you can almost palpably feel their skin burn the second they get out into daylight. Catharsis is a beautiful thing my friends.

The Thing (1982)

I know part of the brilliance of The Thing is the dichotomy that they can't stay inside because there's an alien waiting to infect them and they can't go outside because they'll freeze to death but I would give anything for some snowy tundras in my apartment. And a flamethrower.

Psycho (1960)

There's nothing colder than Mother's corpse. It's like an icebox of emotional manipulation.

Turistas (2006)

I haven't spoken about this film before but it's not half bad. It's a good reminder that small South American countries probably have less pollution and are therefore less hot. And that's real message of Turistas, pollution is the killer, not anonymous doctors harvesting your organs. I'm calling Captain Planet.

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