Wednesday, July 18, 2012

What To Do When You Find Footage

 The "Found Footage" genre of horror films is become just as rote and  predictable as the slasher or leprechaun genre but it's still a relatively new genre and as I love my readers I thought it would be helpful to play out a few scenarios with you.

First off, who did you find it with?

If you're single - it's you and people who are obligated to be near you (classmates, priests etc). Like most living things, you will die alone.

If you're happily coupled up it will be you and your significant other finding the aforementioned footage. Then cue your formerly super amazing partner turning into a dickish shrew and insisting on documenting everything that happens to the both of you. For research, duh.

If you're with your friends. Split up. Yes, this is the opposite of what you're supposed to do in these situations but, for real. Get going. Ditch those hurtbags and get the hell out of dodge. Even if you die a horrible death at least you'll avoid the inevitable "where are we going?", "I have to go back for her!" and "Is that a bite mark?".

Well, once you've "found" the footage there isn't a lot of turning back. Often these things have a way of seeping into your life without you even knowing it. Like ticks. So let's assume once you find said footage, you're going to have to play along for a bit because finding random footage with the combined curious nature of humanity always leads to a bad place.

Where are you?

If you're in a city, get the hell out. Being in a city means one of two things, either electronic devices and your possessions are possessed/haunted or you're in a post-apocalyptic war-zone after an outbreak or monster attack. Either way, get thee to a small town; people are God-fearing and know how to stockpile canned goods.

If you're in nature/cabin/small town, you're trespassing. Maybe you're trespassing on a farmer's property or the general area where a witch killed some children.  Work on getting out of there, but really, your chances are slim to none you'll make it out alive. Stick to the roads and leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

If you're in a location that a tragedy or haunting has already occurred, you're fucked. For real. I hope there are cyanide pills in your first aid kit.

Why are you messing around with film?

Because you need to. If it's a class project, take the 'F'. If it's for a job, quit. Remember any entity willing to do shit on camera is after your immortal soul. Eating instant noodles and working at a call centre isn't as bad as sending your soul to eternal damnation... in theory.

You want to learn how to use your equipment properly and need something to practice on. Remember that summer you had with your friends that changed you all? Film that. Don't film your girlfriend's mental illness/possession.

You're just so damn curious. Curiosity massacred the cat.

How do you dispose of the film?

Don't watch it. Burn it. And burn any unlabelled VHSs/DVDs/Laser Discs lying around your home. And burn them outside in a controlled area. Only you can prevent forest fires.

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