Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Modest Proposal

Full Title:  A Modest Proposal for Preventing Horror Fans from Becoming a Burden to the All Powerful Studios and Ensuring that the General Publik's Worst Fears about Horror Remain Intact. 

It is melancholy to think that our children might walk through a cinema without ever knowing the joys of seeing another remake. That our great filmmakers must be shackled to the idea of creating new stories and works to share with a paying (and sometimes not paying) audience when they could be focused on what set ups could use more CG and explosions. Films do not need to be original. We all know that the first rule of storytelling is to write what you know, and the filmmakers that crawled out of their parents basements in the 1990s are right to portray and re-"imagine" the stories they saw on a flickering old television.

So what are we to when we run out of classics to remake? How many stories or variations of stories could there possibly be? I think all parties can agree that to remain entranced by this notion of "new-ness" will lead to the assured decay of our society. Look at our rampaging technology! Surely there can be no better use for it than to painfully (or is that painstakingly) insert it into films that once required none of these things. Howard's End is desperately in need of more CGI-laden explosions.

So how do we rectify the situation when we run out of classic films? Remake films from the last ten years! Or do remakes of remakes!! How do you think we achieved the onscreen glory between Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig in The Invasion? Or the bizarrely titled prequel of The Thing, entitled The Thing.Sheer certinity, that's how it's done. What about all these low-budget found footage horror films. Remake them! The Devil Inside starring Miley Cyrus and Someone from Twilight!! Remake The Ring! It's been two years since the remake of Let the Right One In, remake it again!!

If we look at the amount of films that infiltrate our collective conciousness it is simply too much. We need only a handful of stories to entertain the masses. This is what I propose. Hire a small subset of actors (I'm thinking Jeremy Renner, Channing Tatum, Robert DeNiro, Michael Fassbender, Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel) have them play out scenes full of unspecified dialogue then add everything else in post. To wit! Here is an excerpt from a script I have composed for this very purpose.....

JEREMY RENNER: (smolderingly) I'M SO MAD!!

CHANNING TATUM: Why are you so mad?

JEREMY: RENNER: Because I can't get these darn things to work!


ROBERT DENIRO: Are you silly? Those things!!

JESSICA BIEL: Don't worry about those things. Worry about these things!

GERARD BUTLER: I thought I was the only one that worried about those things!!

JEREMY RENNER: I'm just happy these finally brought us all together.


Have all the actors play the scene with their palms open towards the camera and constantly gesture toward an object that isn't there yet but will be digitally inserted later on. If this were being played as a horror movie the "thing" could be a set of car keys because they need get away from a killer and the "things" Jessica Biel is talking about are her boobs. (if this scene were a drama the "thing" could be cancer and the "things" Jessica Biel refers to could be her boobs.)

I do cannot see any single rational person having a problem with having the same cast of actor remake the same movies time and again. If the box office is any indication (and by my indication it is every indication) that people like the same thing over and over again. There is no time to have VHSs linger on the shelves of video stores collecting a small but loyal following! We need new disposable entertainment. Lower the costs, produce more and for heaven's sake, don't let them think!


  1. Reads like a chain e-mail all the studio CEO's sent to eachother.

    1. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

    2. You did leave out 2 things though... all these films need to be rated PG-13 and shown in 3D