Friday, January 11, 2013

I Could Never Be Your Woman

Horror films are like a boxing ring for gender issues. Put someone's life in peril and generally you'll see some true colours come shining through. Gender in horror has inspired numerous tropes, books, university level classes and lots of bar fights. (ok, some bar fights... OK, my bar fights)  Pushing people to extremes is one of my favourite things about horror. We're forced to confront some not so nice truths about ourselves and for that, we're something slapped in the face by honesty. But honesty is not for everyone.

Lesson #1 You shouldn't have to change yourself to be with them. Get some goddamn sunscreen.
I think most people are pretty comatose when it comes to going after what they want. They'll stay in so-so or unhappy relationships, content on never reaching above the status quo because the status quo is comfortable. It's easy, you know it, you can wear your sweat pants around it. But frankly, lots of people should get the hell out of certain relationships before the zombie/werewolf/ghost attack. Don't you want to spend your last moments with someone you actually like? Here are some couples that should have called it quits before the last reel.

Wendy & Jack - The Shining (1980)

Lesson #2 Do the exact opposite of what these people do.
This is the quintessential "if he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like that" kind of relationships. Sometimes it takes going to a scary ass hotel to know that your husband is a dick and/or susceptible to ghosts. Either way, you don't need Dr. Phil to tell you to get the hell out. 

Kristen & James - The Strangers (2008)

Lesson #3 Don't be a gun nut.
While Kristen and James are well intentioned, they're simply not meant for each other. After rejecting his proposal, he still goes and buys her cigarettes. Get a back bone, man.

Tina & Rod - Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Lessons #4 Always keep a broom handy to pry loved ones off the ceiling.
 Tina and Rod are just two crazy, sad kids. Both from broken homes, no one really believes them when they say some guy is after them in their dreams. When you're in a relationship, at least one of you needs to yield some credibility. 

Chris & Billy - Carrie (1977)
Lessons # 5 Get different hairstyles.
 Look, assholes deserve assholes but Billy and Chris just enable each other. It's like a weird gross snake of slapping, animal blood and oral sex. 

Jess & Peter - Black Christmas (1974)

Lesson # 6 Tell me where I can get that beret. 
Man alive these two should not be together. No one could realistically be with someone who's ego is as big as Peter's. Between the grand piano smashing, the insistence on marriage Peter's just a big bag of crazy. 

Julia & Frank - Hellraiser (1987)

Lesson #7 Get a hobby that isn't your undead lover.
These two almost deserve each other and if it wasn't for the fact for the fact that so many people have to be killed/eaten/skinned for them to be together I'd be all over these two as the first couple of horror. Despite the deaths they also screw each other over in the end. And what's a relationship without trust?


1 comment:

  1. What about Harry and Helen Cooper from Night of the Living Dead? :)

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