Sunday, April 28, 2013

Live Blog: Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

I haven't done alive blog in FOREVAR and I'm not sure why. You guys seemed to like them, I like doing them because they get written while I watch the movie without all that pesky thinking. I think I've held off because live blogging lends itself to a special kind of movie. Something awful enough that I can type nonsense and it still kind of works, like this, this or this.

Then Wrong Turn sequels kept popping up in my Netflix recommendations. I'd heard about them, but never seen one, even though I've been told the first is quite good. But why watch a good movie when I can watch a pre-sequel? (a sequel that is also a prequel) Isn't THAT the real way to start watching a franchise? Let's find out...



7:39pm: According to my Netflix account I've watched 5 minutes of this before... Probably while drunk. Based on the lighting alone in the first scene I'm betting the decision to turn it off was my best move of the night.

7:40pm: We're in a groddy looking mental institution for inbreds or something. Mainly I'm drawn to the saucy looking lady in the polyester.

7:42pm We're meeting the something brothers. The actor mumbled his line and I can't be bothered to rewind.

7:43pm: Apparently these brothers are the most evil. Because they're cannibals. And they can't feel pain due to inbreeding.

7:44pm: Do you call it rewinding when you're on your computer?

7:45pm: Saucy polyster lady wants to work with the brothers but the man-doctor isn't so sure about this. As soon as the doctors are gone one of the other patients uses a bobby pin from Polyester Lady to unlock the cell. And this is where the tax payer's money goes. For shame. 

7:46pm: The brothers grunt at the other inmate to give the bobby pin to them. The other patient agrees because yes.

7:50pm: They're out! And they appear to have very similar hair to all these teeny bopper kids running around today.

7:51pm: They attack and partially eat a guard and let all the other patients out.

7:53pm: And now everyone's running around being dicks.

7:54pm: They've got the man-doctor tied up and now they're going to torture him. We're just over ten minutes into this film and it already feels like they're padding it out.

7:56pm: And NOW the credits come. Because this film is classy.


7:56pm: Oh, wait. Scratch that last thing I said because now it's 2003 and there are some young people doing it. But in the straight-to-video way. The way where the two people are moaning in unison.

7:59pm: But they're holding hands and she's faking her orgasm (you can tell) so you know she cares.

8:00pm: Now there's a whole other lady couple having sex. The chick just keeps saying "Yes. ... Yes. ... Yes."

8:01pm: The two couples are having sex in same room. And Organized Person walks into the room telling them they need to leave to go on the trip. The couples try to get the Organized Person the join them in the sex. The Organized Person makes this face:


8:03pm: The Organized Person tell them they have three minutes to get downstairs. And calls them bunnies.

8:04pm: Someone complains that they aren't going to Aspen this year. This is why I survived university. Because I never hung out with asshats like these.

8:05pm: There are like 37 people on this trip.

8:06pm: Someone worries about a big storm moving in. Everyone makes fun of him. He looks like he's going to cut himself.

8:07pm: SNOWMOBILING MONTAGE!!!

8:08pm: They got lost. How do get lost snowmobiling? There are literal tracks for you to follow.

8:09pm: Everyone complains that they're cold.

8:10pm: Oh now they want to use my track idea! But now it's too snowy.

8:11pm: They find shelter in the hospital from the beginning of the film because of course. Every other line is about how they are freezing.

8:12pm: OMG you guys! This place is wicked cool. LOL! The girls sit around and talk about their boyfriends and laugh at everything.

8:13pm: The guys have the WORST hair in this. Observe:


8:17pm: They're also horrible people as they play doctor on their female friends and ask them offensive questions, but the girls are all like LOL!! Because sure.

8:20pm: One of the 14 couples announces they're off to sex. And so it begins.

8:23pm: Everyone bickers.

8:25pm: DRINKING IN A HOSPITAL MONTAGE!!

8:27pm: DRUNKEN WHEELCHAIR RACING MONTAGE!!

8:28pm: The montages stop when they start watching film reels of the brothers being "treated".  They say things like, "this is freaky", "I feel kind of bad for them."

8:30pm: They all go to bed. One guy gets up because he can't sleep and wants to explore. As you do.

8:31pm: More soft-core lesbian sex.

8:32pm: Guy that can't sleep gets an ice pick through the nose, making for many delightful picking your nose puns.

8:33pm: It's morning. "We're almost out of weed."

8:34pm: Nose pick guy's girlfriend is worried. Everyone else could care less.

8:36pm: They agree to split into groups to find him. Now no one cares that all their stuff is gone.

8:41pm: One of them falls into a hillbilly trap. There is much rejoicing.

8:42pm: They all run out into the snow storm hoping their snow mobiles will start. I'll wait here while you guess what happens.

8:43pm: One girl goes off on her own because "she's the strongest skier." The rest of them go inside to fight and defend themselves.

8:47pm: The hillbillies are running around laughing and taunting them. They sound oddly similar to Muppets.

8:50pm: "Okay, we've got to figure out what to do." is a line that's said in this movie.

8:53pm: The group's big plan is to run at them screaming. This actually works and the group chases the hillbillies into their original cell.

8:55pm: The group decides to roast the hillbillies alive. The quasi-Final Girl is trying to get them not to do it.  She miraculously succeeds and they agree to leave in the morning. The group splits up again to find jumper cables or something. I kind of missed that part because I was making tea.

8:58pm: The guy tasked with watching the hillbillies falls asleep and the hillbillies escape.

9:00pm: REVELATION YOU GUYS!!! I knew I recognized one of the lesbians from somewhere and it's Tanika from Canada's Next Top Model.

9:02pm: The group discovers the hillbillies and their buddy are gone.

9:03pm: The girls decide to kill someone with a bag over their head... I wonder who it is....

9:04pm: The girls figure it out. Aw.

9:07pm: They get snowsuits and make a run for it.

9:09pm: Now the hillbillies are circling them with snowmobiles.

9:10pm: Now they're being chased by the hillbillies on snow mobiles. This movie... I can't even.

9:13pm: The girls hit one of the hillbillies with a stick and agree to get out of there. While snowmobiling out of there the two survivors get decapitated.

9:14pm: Credits.

Moral of the story - no good can come from  snowmobiling. 





3 comments:

  1. So was this a horror movie with lots of sex or a softcore porno with horror elements? Both have their merits.

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    Replies
    1. Frankly I would say this movie is a third gore, a third soft-core porn and a third montages.

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