Monday, November 11, 2013

An Open Letter to Carrie (2013)

Dear Carrie 2013,

I've never liked you. From the moment you were announced I had my back up. Why remake a near-perfect classic? A colleague who made a set visit for a piece you  while you was shooting in Toronto insisted that it would be totally and completely different - we would all shake before your awesome wrath repenting the name De Palma.

Then I saw you. I honestly tried to remain open. Mayhaps you would win me over yet. But no, so no. I would like to talk about the ways you failed because they were so overt it was like getting the middle finger for 90 minutes. And if we can't learn from our mistakes, then what's the point of making them? Especially in wide release.

From your announcement you said were going to be much closer to the original novel, now I don't know if you've ever read Stephen King's Carrie but it's a pretty bare bones novel. Much of it is left up to the reader's imagination since it is an epistolary novel made out of fake depositions, news paper and academic articles. Lawrence D. Cohen and Brian De Palma worked to create the narrative world and bring it to the screen. Your insistence that you would be closer to the novel was simply false. I believe you meant to say, you would adhere bizarrely close to the 1976 film. Maybe I'm just getting worked up on technicality. Let's move on shall we?

Kimberley Pierce was an intriguing choice for a director. Her lingering shots in Boys Don't Cry helped the audience understand an outsider and the world around him, which is exactly the touch that you need. However, this felt like less of an intimate portrait and more of a directed-by-committee-paint-by-numbers job. Within 15 minutes I could tell you were a poorly paced, hatcheted mess. There was no finess, no style and no soul to you. You were a heaping pill of CW goo.

Your actors are a bunch of American Eagle Outfitter models. Please rectify.

If you were going to be oh, so different why use large parts of Lawrence D. Cohen's screenplay. I agree it's a great one, but why use it? Why not write your own? Don't use the 1976 screenplay (including dated slang) and shoehorn in a couple of additional storylines. By doing this you managed to make Carrie seem like an X-Men: Origins story, rather than a terrifying look at the nature of the excluded.

Now I've never been a fan of CGI so perhaps I'm biased here, but the gratutious use of it made me physically upset. The brilliance of the novel Carrie is that it's so rooted in the real world and you have real-world documents dealing with the supernatural. The over use of CGI, gore and violence did you a huge disservice. Rather than set you apart made you part of the pack.

You are an atrocious mess of a film. Please make your DVD/Blu Ray release mercifully short and get the hell out of my consciousness




1 comment:

  1. Dear Alex,

    But did you catch how hip we were to use Google and Youtube? Don't young people like that? Also, I bet you loved that big FUCK YOU with gravestone at the end.


    Carrie (2013)